As Cold As Alone.

A b o u t - - - - - - - - - - - - -
about yourself here...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

1/1/2006
I have several goals and aims i wish and must accomplish this year.
The year, 2006, is a major milestone year and important for myself as well as my comtemporaries.
'O' Levels is in store.
This is one big exam of life. Academically speaking.

I see 2005 going into the vault of History with both happiness and sadness. I am taking one step closer to the complete transformation of being an adult( which is, for me, not exciting ) but we are however, closer to the eternity of heaven.

Was at Esplanade with loads of people.
No countdown. a major disappointment to me.
no party. another disappointment.
no atmosphere.

Fireworks were in excess. As if my eyes were deprieved of fireworks after living for 15 years. It was a sure anti-climax that most people went straight back home after the countdown. I wouldn't have minded getting grounded after having one whole night of fun, which in anyway, won't happen as school is happening soon.

Timetable released.
Teachers were replaced.
Unknown to me, i felt a great great unexplainable sense of relief when i saw, no not Ms.Lim, but Ms Soh still being our Geography teacher. Not that i am not glad Ms. Lim's still our EL teacher.
Something's gotten into me, and i treat many things(that is seemingly mediocre to some) as very important and i will try really hard to get things my way.

I think i am very headstrong when i want something. Which will sometime work to or not to my advantage.

Went to some hawker centre at Toa Payoh just now to have lunch. After finishing our meals, my mum went to buy some desert for my sister whom was absent. My brother went with her. The scene was, they were both facing the stall and there was a male cleaner pushing a cart to collect used cutlery(which is, duh, his job.)
Unknown to me why, my brother backtracked and cut into the path of the cleaner, which he almost bumped into.
The cleaner got enraged and into a frenzy of scolding my brother for not looking at where he is GOING.
At this point, i overheard, but did not interfere as the cleaner was making his way on, all the way going on and on on how my brother interrupted him.
Perhaps it is true cleaners will always be cleaners and they will always be uneducated. But without common sense? This is the first cleaner i have seen that appears normal outside but seems to be retarded or ill with Down's syndrome. Since when, with the many milleniums of human history did WE HAVE EYES AT THE BACK OF OUR HEADS? And he can blame him for not looking at where he is walking.
Smart argument.
My mother got pissed off and went to reason with him.
She got insulted by that bitch too.
At this point, the boiling anger unleashed demonic blood into me.
Anger gave me focus then.
I got up to him. And raised my voice loud enough that some patrons were looking at me too.
I told him 'How the hell can you blame him, and look at how old you are, scolding some kid at least 4 times your junior for not having eyes at the back of his head.'
Hatred for him was growing within me and i was prepared for a physical 'negotiation'
Haha, talk about a pre-school showdown.
That guy got kind of coward? He kept shut and pushed his cart away.
I wasn't like satisfied i won the 'negotiation', and lesson learnt for him was 'Don't ever insult a mother in front of her half-grown up, ready to explode kid'

Reflecting, i know i shouldn't have gotten so angry and so rough with him, and sinned. Besides When he is 50 + years old? Perhaps could have used a little diplomacy here.

But the natural instinct was to rush to my mother's defence.
Recently family been a important focus to me. I can't be with them all the time.
After watchin The Family Stone, their mother died of a certain diease and somehow, some images of that happening to me flashed through my mind and i got really really scared. The thought of not hearing my father call my name nor hearing my mother waking me up in the morning is unbearable.
Living without them? I dont think i can.

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
3:57 PM

Monday, December 26, 2005

Christmas.

i am speechless about it.

i've attended a family gatherin when i could have gone for a party. and the gathering was gay.
And i didn't even have chocolates in my fridge.
I felt asleep during service.
I abused all sorts of vulgarity.
I almost showed the middle finger to a stuck up aunt.

They say Christmas dones't happen till it happens in ur heart.
Yeah it'll happen, why not?

Next year....

Okay at least someone has a change in attitude for the better.
Showed some teeth (smile)(ed)
spoke to me nicely and interestingly ( although it still can be summarized in less 10 words)

Blogging?
they say it pumps out the stress from u.
i'd say its true.

I'm longing for a long sweet walk with some one sweet on the street now. at early morning.

AHHHH! I AM FREAKING BORED.

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
1:55 AM

Friday, December 02, 2005

Today i witnessed something that i thought was outright outrageous.
I was at the supermarket at Junction 8, to buy my lunch, which was instant noodles. At that section, i saw this lil' girl with her two grandparents.
For some reason unknown, her grandmother was scolding her. I thought well, old folks do get a lil' more grumpy, and not everybody's grandparents are as patient as mine. I winked to myself. How i miss them.
Then that girl, at that tender age, when we should be quite innocent, she clenched her fist as though filled with rage and anger like gonna whack her grandmother. I stared at her. Then, as most kids would, she covered her eyes, to avoid letting me see her tears.

Truth is, we hardly appreciate the things, let alone people around us. We hardly bother about them and the focus will be 'ME ME ME'. Them ? ' LAST LAST LAST'. More often than we ever notice or even care, we do things the way we like it.
When i was that lil' girl's age, which i suppose is about 5 or 6, i hated every visit we had to make to our grandparents' place.
My perspective then was that ' Why go? the food sucks, no freaking (perhaps i wasn't so corrupted then) air-conditioner, the TV is like so small and there's a weird stench in the apartment, and my grandparents speak a different tongue from the ones i understand.'

Some saturdays, i would try desparately ( and at that age, desparate kids get really irritating-they cry, scream and make a sanctuary chaotic.) to get my father not to go and suggest some other place to go to.
On those saturdays, my father would be in a very very joyous mood, for if he wasn't joyous, i wouldn't even go near him. My father is a strict man and runs our family in a almost tyrannical rule. His word is law and he is never wrong. Well, most of the time, he isn't wrong.
Then, because of my desparate-ness, and create a chaos out of the day, my dad would lose his temper and really kickass, literally.

After he kickass, except that he does that with a cane and it usually lands anywhere except my crouch and ass, he would be pulling a crying me to that place.
And he would make sure, damn sure that i would not destroy their sanctuary too.

Lunch was the first thing we did.
They'd always have some fish on the table. And i freakin hate fish. Their skin, looks so ewww, and the stench from them.
Every now and then, they would do some traditional Foo Zhou dish, some weird weird stuff that is tasty enough to qualify it as a Fear Factor dish to torture the contestants.
Oh yes, all the food isn't prepared by my grandparents, it's by the maid. Although during the pre-school years of my life, my grandmother would be the head chef.

Later, aft lunch, the maid would sometime have fruits to serve us. And the fruits are like all not chilled. And so, it felt disgusting to me.
Then my parents, actually only my dad would be chatting to my grandmother, and my grandfather would be watching tv. Alone.

This is the fact: I couldn't and still can't understand the dialect, and is therefore unable to communicate to them. Sometimes, my grandfather would try really hard to speak to me in Mandarin. But it is like a China man in the sub-urbs trying to speak English.
So broken it is, i can barely understand, and had to pretend to understand by nodding or smiling.
Thinking back now, i never gave my grandparents, both of them, a handshake, kiss, hug, massage ever before.

That mindset i had was carried with me right till their passing away in 2001.
Then, i begin to miss them.
Missing them.
Missing them harder.
Missing them bitterly.

Then i begin to reflect.
That was when i felt bitter.
Bitter like no mortal could deal me.
bitter like i never felt before.

Now when i walk along the sidewalks, and see some children with their grandparents, i can't help but feel envy.

It's a blessing to have grandparents around and have them just talking to you. Just idle, casual chat. Them sharing their experiences and history with you. And you telling them how irritating that Math teacher is for giving you a F in your last test.
See their reaction.
Behold that moment.
Say a prayer for them in your heart.
Give thanks for it, for the world knows that this moment will not last nor go on forever.
Then smile and give them a hug, a warm cuddle just as you would your parents. Kiss them and tell them you love them. Their eyes would definitely shine more brilliantly, and that kiss would bring more life into that face which has been eroded by time. For they know they are loved. By you.
I would do it, if i could.

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
6:48 PM

Friday, November 25, 2005

Haven't been blogging these days...
Simply have not got that strike of inspiration to write ( type).
Holidays weren't like those i imagined it to be, save for the chalet part.
Chalet, although short was actually dense in fun-ness. thank you to those who were there at the chalet. you guys were the one that made it so. And special mentions to Chia Ling whom booked the chalet and my parents, for finally allowing me to go ( although still with much reluctance and nagging.)
I reckon this would be like the last holidays where i would be this slack. Next year is really a year of intensive studying and revising. I can't possibly let myself down at such a critical examintion.

block in the head yet again, till then,
that's all folks.

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
5:56 PM

Friday, November 04, 2005

somehow, the skin of my previous blogskin got screwed up.
i suspect the image host exceeded bandwidth or whatever,
finally a prompt for me to get rid of that skin.

received a motivating and inspiring email from Robin.
An email about God it was, which challenges us to make God our no.1 priority no matter what circumstances be it fun, joy, sickness or sadness.

Forwarded it to many others too..
Let us all ponder over it..

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
9:30 PM

Thursday, November 03, 2005

i held your hand in my dreams...
In my dreams, it was so beautiful and brilliant that i never wanted to leave. Beautiful because of you; brilliant because of you.
I gazed into your eyes. I saw a fire, passionate fire burning seemingly for eternity. Fueled by love. Perfect love.
You were smiling. Smiling so sweetly, my heart could melt. If only i could behold this smile forever. Eternity would then be perfect.

I was smiling. I knew i was. Who wouldn't when his crush was so sweet to him? But dreams will always be dreams. And reality will always be reality.
Seldom do the two intersect; it takes a miracle. And i am not witnessing a miracle.

I am staring into space...
Dreaming...

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
2:05 AM

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

i looked at you, i felt like holding your hand, bringing you to places so beautiful, only to be enhanced by your very presence. Your smile would bring me a warmth in my heart that might melt it.
I look at you, i feel like crying, breaking down and running away from you and never seeing you again.
looking again, i realised it was all an illusion, which i feel is to harden me?

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
1:34 AM

something happened today that really amused me.
1) a letter in the Straits Times forum
This guy trying to be a 'superhero' and try to stop bird flu by suggesting measures in our yummy hawker centres.
'.... To keep crows in check everyone should play his part. This includes
>>Food-centre operators ensuring any leftover food is cleared quickly.
>>The National Parks Board pruning trees more often to prevent roosting
>>Tightly securing garbage at food centres, to avoid food spillage'

His first suggestion: How many cleaners do the operators have to then employ in order to clear our stuff efficiently and 'quickly' ? This admin cost, eventually, will it be absorbed by the operators, or would it be passed on to end-consumers like you and me?
His Third suggestion : Overlooking his inaccurate language expression 'securing garbage'(how the hell do you do that?), crows can easily bite open garbage bags. Anyone remembers that time you last handled a garbage bag, and when even it was less than half-filled, it threatened to break open?

This e-learning week hasn't been fruitful, i am halfway through this History thing only.

I think i shld get a new skin.
Blog Skin that is.
I love this skin, the only hate-factor is the way text appears. And my paragraphing all gets screwed-up.
Any suggestions?

And now im alone, On these cold winter nights
12:39 AM